Happy Holidaze

Merry Belated Christmas from my house.

This whole divorce thing has plenty of shit attached to it that you don't so much think about at first glance....my favorite are the visitation shenanigans. Specifically the ex screwing with the schedule more often than not- being late, being early, ditching it altogether, or picking the kids up only to return them anywhere from ten minutes to two hours later- which yes, has happened on two memorable occasions.

Not having your kids half of the weekends of your life sucks. But even worse is knowing that the person you loathe more than anyone else in the world is seeing their faces instead. Especially on holidays.

I spent 12 years as a homemaker. Holidays were a Very Big Deal at our house. The whole family would come over, (one year I had 32 people for Thanksgiving dinner) We always had a ton of food and decorations (Three Christmas trees. Three. Full sized...need I say more?) and I put hours and hours into it.

To say things aren't the same anymore is an understatement, but we did have a good holiday this year, in spite of our changed circumstances.

There were some memorable bright spots. Like my son (my TEENAGED son) texting me from his dad's parents' house Christmas Eve to make sure I would call to read them "The Night Before Christmas"...as I have done every year since they were born. And the kids clustering around the speaker phone to chant it with me in unison, while telling me they loved me and missed me...sniff...

And the VCB's (large, amazing, **insert your superlative here**) family was just wonderful. Loving, supportive, fun. He wisely surrounded me with them until my kids came back. And he gave me some really cool shit too including these and this, and OMFG a whole new set of bedroom furniture, the nicest stuff I have ever had. (Side note of no consequence whatsoever: a king sized bed is really, really vast....)

So, Christmas.

We got a metric assload of snow the weekend before Christmas and Jackass ditched the kids for the first few days of his holiday visit so he could plow. I did enjoy making cookies and watching movies with the kids that weekend though- his loss; snow days with kids are great fun.

However, him skipping those days meant I had to literally do ALL of my Christmas shopping in three evenings, after work.

I slept a total of fifteen hours, in four days. This did not, clearly, make me my best self; but, incredibly, I DID finish the buying and wrapping and cleaning and cooking; after working nine hour days. (see also: "How to pull a holiday celebration completely out of your ass!")

Go, me!

The kids came home and we did the Christmas thing, and much merriment was made. The oldest got a bike and a (used) laptop and some stuff from the VCB that made his little heart go pitter-pat. The middle child is in total iPod nano love and actually figured out how to ride her electric scooter; while baby girl got not only the coveted Zhu-Zhu pets, an electric scooter of her very own, and also! a real! live! hamster!! (Which rears up on it's tiny back legs and hisses at us when we get near it. Like a snake. I think it may be possessed. Am slightly afraid. ahem. anyway....)

Jackass commenced dicking around with me on the visitation for New Year's almost immediately upon returning the kids, so, yeah. That's been....time consuming. sigh. And of course since he has no more child support reviews scheduled, he hasn't paid his support this month either. The man is nothing if not predictable, what can I say.

My health insurance through work is about to kick in, and none too soon. I have had a headache for three days that is ominously sinus-infection-like in nature and my eye sockets are throbbing. I am really glad it waited til after Christmas though. Sometimes it really is the little things you find yourself appreciating.

Authentically edited.

I read a lot of blogs. Food blogs, parenting blogs, writing blogs...and of course MommyBlogs. I read at least a stock handful a day, and I am always discovering new ones. Most don't hold my interest very long. My own blog probably wouldn't, even.

The ones that DO keep me coming back for more have some things on common. First of all the writing has to be good- grammatically correct at minimum, but hopefully clever and insightful as well. I have to either like, admire, relate to, respect, or loathe the writer- or at least their subject matter.

But most of all I have to feel like it's real.

And that's where I have my own biggest issues with blogging.

I'd LOVE to relate all of my trials and tribulations somewhere, God knows. I need an outlet badly. At times throughout the past two years I have thought my head would explode just from all the shit I couldn't talk about. I've been in counseling, I've had a great attorney, and even with them- people legally obligated to keep my confidence- I have been very selective what I have chosen to reveal.

I've always been that way to a degree- guarded, private.... But the divorce has made it a hundred times worse. Everything that Jackass CAN turn against me, he will. Protecting my kids means I can't give him any more ammunition. Even a funny story about one of them could potentially bite me on the ass in court. Do I know he has found my blog? No. But am I sure he hasn't? I never will be. He knows I write. He knows I blogged during the marriage. (It was a HUGE bone of contention.) He won't stop seeking ways to hurt me, this much I know.

I was a victim of domestic violence and psychological abuse. I was raped- twice. I have a protective order against my former husband. I don't have the luxury of feeling safe anymore, and I haven't, for years, with very few exceptions. There have been very few situations in my life when I remember NOT being anxious, not looking over my shoulder. I trust very few people. A few of the people I have trusted in the past few years have turned out to be malicious, vindictive, and cruel. One in particular will haunt me for a long time. I may never feel completely secure ever again.

So I struggle with being truthful and how much to write about and what to say here. I admire the women who blog openly and honestly about their lives and their children and the painful issues they face. I truly learn from them, cheer for them and love them. For their strength and courage in sharing, I am grateful and humbled.

I have so much to say and so much fear about saying any of it that half the time I erase posts before I publish them. What good is that?? Why bother with this?

Not Dead. Yet.

It's been a long month of extremely hard work. Not just for me but for the friends and family who helped- and here I give big props to the VCB; he lifted, packed, hauled, schlepped, fixed, installed, patched, paid, ran, smiled, consoled, listened and just endured with endless good grace and patience, and kindness.

The end result being, we are moved, and (mostly) unpacked. The kids are pretty happy here so far. We have (free!) cable and wifi; everybody has their own rooms again and the new schools are going to be alright. The after-school situation seems to be going well. (Thank GOD!)

I have gotten the kids to school with packed lunches and brushed hair and signed homework every day, and myself to work on time; and so I can safely say, we are adjusting just fine. My job is going as well as can be expected; not the job of my dreams but I am employed and soon I will have health insurance again.

The house (finally) closed. After three delays and twice as much money in various fees and many more demands from the buyers than I will ever believe reasonable. I have sold 5 houses before and never had this much hassle ever. Amen and good riddance. No I didn't make any money off of it and that's no exaggeration. But at least it is gone.

And I decided I missed my blog too much to let a few little dramas and some random wierdness take it away from me.

It snowed last night and it's been freezing cold all day. I made chicken soup and brownies from scratch tonight. As I type this the kids are snuggled on the sofa in new jammies, freshly bathed, watching Harry Potter.

I almost feel like a real Mom again.