Visitation Manipulation

As you have probably guessed, Jackass is attempting to bail on taking the kids next week. He is waffling about whether he can pick them up and when.

This is pissing me off.

Can I just be honest? I am sooo torn in two over this.

I really want and need both a break from the grind of motherhood, and some quality time with my Very Cute Boy. Also, I am not Jackass' child care provider during his time, and I am fucking livid that he keeps using the visitation schedule as his last remaining weapon. I love my kids desperately and I will miss them five minutes after they are gone, and I will obsess about them all week...but.....VCB will do a great job distracting me, and I will get lots of stuff done, and, I have some stuff scheduled that I need to do for work, and, well...I DESERVE IT, goddamnit!!

But.

My kids do NOT want to go. Jackass does NOT do a good job with the kids. They are dreading it. I really would LOVE to be able to go to court in September and tell the Judge that "Yeah, not only did he not pay his support as ordered, he ditched the kids during the weeks I offered him, and plenty of other times too." My Attorney has said we stand a great chance at getting his visitation cut wayyy back in September.

Right now my options seem to be:

1. Tell him to fuck off and deal with having the kids all week (ugh)

2. Drive the kids to his parent's house Sunday night (sets a precedent I'd rather not establish, but since Grandparents have no rights in this state, it likely won't hurt me later, according to my Attorney)

3. Keep the kids until Monday night and hope he takes them then (which I doubt, so this probably actually equals option 1)

Sigh.

Weekend update. Now with more money. And welding.

Jackass ponied up some child support last week. Late and short, but still- money! I guess the authorities in charge of such things finally filled him in on their plans to suspend his driver's license. (I helpfully provided a couple addresses where they could serve him. Including his boss' house. heh.) It would be nice if that continued, but I am not holding my breath.

He also decided, in what can only be described as a moment of complete and total, yet typical, mental fucktardation, that calling our ten year old daughter 'Sasquatch Legs' and telling her it was time to shave, was an appropriate parenting move. The kids were about as thrilled about that as you might expect....which is to say, there was some significant negative ecstasy. I found out after the fact that he and our son had had a heated email exchange about the incident (Jackass' defense of his remark was that our son had made a biting comment also...@#$%?! The kid is 13. I mean, hellooo??). Then he served as a taxi and dumped the kids on his folks for his visitation so he could go party unencumbered, and told them about how he would be "drinking all day" so they weren't welcome. He tried to dump them on ME at the last minute, but as I am not his childcare provider, I declined.

And can I just say, I am SO glad I did? VCB and I had a fabulous and much needed weekend that I shall decline to describe further but which shall long be remembered. It included a classic discussion of sex being the glue that bonds relationships together and a thorough classification of the types of this interpersonal adhesive, from Post It Notes, (silent quickies) to Scotch Tape, (routine) to Super Glue, (use your imagination) to Arc Welding (umm....no comment.)

Upon the kids' return home it was revealed to me that Mrs. Jackass Sr, my former mother in law, has prominently bookmarked both my Facebook page and my old Twitter Account on her computer's desktop. Jackass had also made reference to my "blathering all over the internet" in an email last week. So it's entirely possible that I have some silent fans reading this blog as well. I can't deny that I find that simultaneously funny, disturbing, and sad. But since everything I post is TRUE, all I have to say to the entire Jackass family is- SUCK IT. If you don't like what I am writing, treat the kids better, pay your child support, and be decent human beings.

Other than that it's been a pretty good week. VCB and I took the kids out to dinner last night and I have been working, working, working. I have an opportunity on the horizon that I am excited about (but can't really talk about yet.) There are good things ahead.

Ten Things

Ten Things I Love about Being Divorced

10. I don't have to deal with all the bullshit that becomes an emergency once someone else fails to deal with it for six months, with said 'someone else' breathing down my neck to take care of it NOW!

9. I can do whatever I want in my house and no one gets pissy

8. I don't have to tolerate the goddamn TV on 24/7 (This one should probably rate higher. I don't like TV in general and rarely turn it on at all after the morning news.)

7. I only have my own mess to clean up

6. My Restraining Order

5. It's my party and I'll blog if I want to

4. NO INLAWS!

3. Every other weekend. (This one is a love/hate.)

2. No more violence and fear

1. I am finally loved.

Standing on the edge.

VCB is still Very Cute, and he is still putting up with me and trying to help me sort all my BS out. He is being very patient, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's kind of scary and threatening to be having major self-realizations when it simultaneously dawns on you that yo, your partner not only knows this and sees this about you, he has seen it for months. The things I think I hide, he sees. Before I am ready to deal with them. As my brother famously put it, "He has her number."

Yes, he does. Damnit.

My wall doesn't work with him. He sees right through it. And so that means I have to figure out how to be real, to let him in, to be authentic and deal with all the shit I'd just as soon ignore. It scares the hell out of me. I don't know if I can do that, if it's a risk I am strong enough to take. I am starting to see that I have been pushing him back and trying to keep him at arm's length all this time. I have a choice to make and I am scared to death.

Do I jump and trust him to catch me? 

I am all angsty and miserable today.  The stars have aligned perfectly today to illuminate a couple of highly unflattering truths about Who I Am...that I'd just as soon have remained in denial about, Thankyouverymuch. It's all, I am sure, part of the process of Moving On...but it's painful and messy just the same.

My friend "Eliza" is dealing with a nasty divorce from a crazy ex too. And a lot of the time we commiserate about the usual bullshit- money, kids' feelings, visitation manipulation, emotional upheavals, and day to day practical realities of life as single moms. I'd have said we were a dead even tie for winner of the Ugly Divorce Award; up til recently.

She had a breakthrough encounter with her 'Ex of Doom' last night and it looks (fingers crossed!!!!) like maybe things are going to get better for their relationship. Like *maybe* they will be able to find some mature, decently cooperative way to co-parent their kids and figure out a reasonably amicable settlement agreement. Hallelujah, and please duck the flying pigs.

I couldn't be happier or more hopeful that things will turn out that way for her, him, and their three gorgeous (and I do mean gorgeous- whatever else those two may have done, their babies are spectacular) kids. 

The fact that this- cooperation, mutual respect, and maturity- is highly unlikely ever to be part of the co-parenting relationship I have with Jackass (whose driver's license has now been suspended for failure to pay any child support, and who continues to fuck with the kids at every possible opportunity) is really hurting me lately. I see what the continued animosity is doing to them. They are stressed out, overloaded, angry. And I can't do anything to fix it for them; except love them and keep things as 'normal' as possible. But what now passes for normal here includes restraining orders, police, poverty, and public assistance. This shouldn't be anyone's 'normal'.

I have been telling myself I can't control Jackass, that this is what it is and I will just deal with things the best I can. The truth is I am scared he will try to screw me even more, and he is probably scared I will screw HIM even more, and we are both just reacting out of fear. But I can never trust him, EVER, so I am at a profound loss as to how to forge a different kind of relationship with him.

And then, there's my situation with VCB. VCB is an amazing man. He is smart, kind, decent, generous, beautiful, respectful, honest. I know he loves me. He has put up with so much, given so much, and been incredibly patient. He's not perfect, but he would never hurt me knowingly. And in return? Six months ago I did something colossally damaging, hurtful, unnecessary, and immature, because I am stubborn and stupid and damaged.

It might not have been AS hurtful to anyone else but I am starting to see that's not really the point. (I am a tad slow on the uptake.) I knew it would hurt HIM, and I made a series of poor decisions and did it anyway. 

He wants to work past it, has been trying to figure it all out with me. I have not been terribly patient with him. I have been feeling quite self-righteous about things and making lots of excuses in my head, rationalizing all the reasons I am right and he is unreasonable in his expectations. He says I push his buttons on purpose, to test him, and I am starting to see that maybe he is right. Maybe on some level I do keep pushing him away to see if he will always come back. 

What I know for sure is that what he feels now, is very similar, if not identical, to the way I felt for 20 years, living with someone too selfish to prioritize my feelings, too immature to protect me, too shallow and shortsighted to care beyond taking the cheap shot, the easy 'win'. I recognized this morning that now I am that person, whose cavalier attitude, selfishness and immaturity has damaged someone precious to me. I don't quite know what to do with that. I don't know how to make it right, I don't know if he should trust me. I don't know if *I* trust me. I don't want to lose him, but more than that, I don't want to do to anyone, ever, what was done to me. I don't want to be this person who hurts their partner and calls it the partner's fault. 

There are so many changes I need to make to get where I want to be. 

Foodgasm

This is what's for dinner tonight.  I fully intend to stuff myself until it hurts to breathe.

Seafood chowder

melt in stockpot over med. high heat:

3T olive oil

4T butter

Chop (I pulverize the onion, celery & pepper to mush in my food processor but to each their own) and drop in:

1 med onion

1 red bell pepper, roasted or not

3 ribs celery and their leaves

2 Lg potatooes, scrubbed and peeled

saute veggies until soft, then add:

1/2c flour

stir well, then add:

3/4 c white wine or sherry

2T Old Bay seasoning

salt & pepper

stir well, let bubble. Then add:

3 to 4c. chicken or seafood stock

then dump in:

1 lb chopped boneless, skinless white fish ( whatever's on sale, I add mine frozen but chopped)

1lb chopped peeled raw shrimp (if you want to use cooked shrimp, add it last)

however much crabmeat or imitation crab you'd like or can afford

stir until fish and shrimp are cooked, then add:

3 to 4c. half and half

Using more liquid stretches this a bit further, but you may want to adjust the seasonings. I used more liquid because I like sopping it up with crusty bread.

Bring to a bubble, then reduce heat and try not to scald yourself by eating it too fast.

OMG.  Break out the stretchy pants. 

Mystery Poo

Once upon a time I was a meticulous housekeeper. 

It's true. Sad and ridiculous but yeah. True. I walked around with a sponge in my hand wiping down walls all day and I disinfected my bathrooms twice a week and there was no herd of dustbunnies under any bed or piece of furniture because a) I refused to have indoor pets because of the mess, and b) I actually moved my furniture around regularly and cleaned under it.

If you have been in my house lately you can be sure that I cleaned pretty thoroughly before you were allowed in, even though it still looks pretty ragged, er, lived in, here. Stuff piles up, piles get pushed aside, new piles take their place, and the oldest piles are eventually moved to the garage.

(Martha Stewart does NOT approve of my new system, but hell, that bitch doesn't live here.)

So a couple weeks ago, in a mad fit of competency, I sorted through a metric assload of outgrown kids' clothes and bagged them up, intending to consign or yardsale them. (hahahaha!!! Yeah right.)

Instead they got moved onto my sunporch because I tripped over one of the bags, got pissed, and that was the closest open door to toss them through.

Today Autumn wanted to earn some money so I asked her to (drumroll please) move the bags of clothes on the sunporch to the garage. She called me out shortly thereafter and asked me what had been pooping in the sunporch. and sure enough- poo. Mysterious animal poo.

It's official. I am the worst housekeeper ever. Something shits in my sunporch and do I even notice? No, I do not. I simply pile clothes on top of the poo and keep on rolling. 

Fabulous. 

Blah Blah Blah

Yesterday did not end significantly better than it started. 

Shoe shopping for Austin went like this:

Promise girls trip to pool after shoe procurement.

5 stores in 4 hours, pool closes in meantime, much whining and overall displeasurement from crowd. No acceptable shoes having been located, deep resigned sigh, go back to first store, buy shoes, wear shoes fifteen steps out of store, decide shoes don't really fit, return shoes, find that the size JUMBO shoes are unavailable except online, go home shoeless with all three kids mad at me and proceed to beat head against wall in utter frustration. 

THEN.

There was more unbloggability with someone who asked not to be featured here. I ended up needing a Xanax and two Tylenol PMs to get to sleep. I'm not gonna lie- I enjoyed the resulting coma quite a bit more than my usual toss-turn-toss-pee-check Twitter-curse-toss-turn-repeat routine. Fortunately (or unfortunately) my liver works just fine so it was only temporary in nature.

In any case I packed the kids up and took them over to the 'pool' up the road before lunch. Can I just say this place is the trailer park version of a water park? I am not so much the snob, peoples. I am on food stamps for crying out loud. I should not be judging anyone. But... this place really attracts some gems. I saw a tattoo that said "Just DO me" today. And a kid no older than 6 yelling for his mom (who was on her cell phone totally ignoring them) to come watch his (toddler) younger sibling for a minute so he could go play. An obese woman with a belly so droopy it totally obscured the fact that she was even wearing the bottom half of her STRING BIKINI (although the top half was tied somewhere around her navel so maybe she was confused.)  And a bald middle aged man with a couple of kids who had a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. Did you read that last bit? A. UNICORN. ON. HIS. SHOULDER. 

Dude. Wow. Were you HIGH?? Going through your "Gay" phase?? (My friend Eliza astutely pointed out "maybe he used to be a woman?!" to which I replied, "if they took off the boobies and girly bits, surely the tattoo couldn't have been that hard to get rid of, right?") WTF?! A Unicorn?? Don't tattoo artists ever say. "Uh, Are you SURE about this, seriously???"

Being less cynical and judgemental, or perhaps merely less observant, than I, the kids grew bored with the pool fast. Like, they whined longer to go to the pool than they actually played. (Note to self: next time take booze. and a camera.) 

So. Plan B. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince opened this week, and we are geeks for Harry. Some background-I read HP with my oldest as the books came out. We went to the release parties and were totally psyched about each new installment. I tortured Austin by insisting that I read them first, and I would sit there reading and gasping and laughing or crying and he would be all "WHAT?!" and "NO FAIR!" and "ARGH hurry up already Mom!!" (to be fair I usually took less than 24 hours at most, he didn't have to wait that long...heh.) I read them again with Autumn, and Jules is going to get her set of HP books this year. So anyway we were excited about the movie, and it was a huge treat. I was all melancholy wishing VCB was there but then came the moment....and I am kinda glad he didn't witness my shame. Because even though I KNEW Dumbledore was going to die, you know what? When Snape let loose with the "Avada Kevedra!" I couldn't help it. I cried anyway. You can just mail me my Dork Award. 

I suck.

It's been one of those weeks where every day is mildly crappy in some low key way, with migraines and garbage and bills and insomnia; with kids running amok, and spilling things and whining and needing things every five minutes; with my job teetering on the brink of collapse, my house falling down around my ears; piles of too much to do and not enough time or resources to do any of it; where everyone's been pissed at me for one reason or another and I am somewhat able to see their points but mostly I just want to tell everyone to FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

But of course I can't do that. So I am sucking it up and trying not to lose my tenuous grip on sanity. Which requires quite a lot of caffeine, and alcohol, and outright denial, to tell you the truth.

Last night I had to work this event hosted by a local TV station for unemployed people. There was a bar and a lot of socializing and I stood by our table with my coffee, feeling like a fish out of water. Several times I struck up conversations with people who stopped by the table and my boss would subtly edge his way into the conversation and then suddenly I was standing on the outside of the situation looking- literally- at the back of my boss' suit coat. I haven't felt so awkwardly excluded since I accidentally sat at the cheerleaders table my first day of high school. So yeah. That was fun.

Today I was going to take the kids to the pool and go shoe shopping for my son. I had a conference call with a publisher and a couple other "plans". But then the weather reported a severe thunderstorm warning, and an unbloggable difference of opinion arose between me and someone I agreed not to blog about and now I am all gut-wrenched and unmotivated and pissed off and sad and worthless. It's too early to start drinking and I am out of chocolate. 

What I know I need to do is go out and get on my treadmill. What I will probably do instead is barricade myself in my room and wallow. 

Here I am

So, moved to Blogger. Because it's free, that's why. And you can't beat free when you're a flat broke struggling single mom.

I C&P'd most of the relevant stuff from last year over from my TypePad blog, but I decided to change my blog title. During the divorce it was "Weathering the Storm". I am happy to report that aside from the occasional gust, the storm that was my life last year has largely blown over. 

I chose "Still Above the Grass" because that's what my Grandpa, the sweetest man in the world and in my eyes the only man since JC to walk on water, says when anyone asks him how he's doing. When he says it I always smile. Because there's plenty to be said for being above the grass. 

Its been a pretty good summer here so far. The kids are in camp thru the County M-Th, and I am working from home, writing, doing social media and PR/marketing work. I may soon be doing seminars and speaking engagements at colleges for Interview Angel, and there's talk of travel also. If I am fortunate I will find a way to make that happen as God knows, we need the money.

 Jackass took his first week's visitation with the kids as scheduled and (gasp!) his mother (formerly known as Mrs. Jackass Sr., but I'm gonna drop the snark on her for now) and I had a decent conversation about the kids and the visitation arrangements. I am hoping that dynamic will continue and that there will be someone reasonable for me to talk to w/regards to those issues in the future. He has pulled a lower than average level of the usual jackassery but I am still nonplussed. The kids spent last weekend with him and Drunky Girlfriend at her "awesome" house. Drunky Girlfriend's "hot" 12yr daughter is Austin's new crush (this is obviously ten kinds of wrong as well as a recipe for future therapy).  Drunky Girlfriends "huge boobs" are still fascinating, and the general consensus is she's a nice lady who knows nothing about their Dad's real self/situation. Also, Jackass has been talking about moving away (to the OBX of NC- beware, ladies!!) at the end of his lease in August. Which coincides nicely with the next hearing on the child support case Sept. 11. 

"What about that Child Support?" you may ask.

Despite facing a contempt conviction and the imminent suspension of his driving privileges, there has been no voluntary payment by jackass since last November. I got a small amount of $ out of his unemployment checks earlier this year, but that totaled less than one month's payment. Jackass was told in no uncertain terms to pay on the 1st and 15th of each month until the Sept. court date for sentencing, so the fact that he has failed to do so is troubling. It would appear he has no problem losing his license and going to jail rather than supporting his children. What does one say about that?

The house on GBR is not yet sold. There is much to be done to prevent it being snatched by the mortgage company. I admit I am playing ostrich and not dealing w/ that very well. I suck.

But anyway. We are doing okay in general and I have to say I am actually pretty fucking happy to be done with all of it. And if he goes to jail you're ALL invited to come blow bubbles as they cuff his sorry ass and perp-walk him towards his new home. 

And now I must get some shit done. Later!

 

June 17, 2009

In which I discover that maybe Justice isn't really blind after all.

Jackass' appeal of the Judge's child support award was heard last Friday. I had absolutely no emotional investment in the situation, probably because, well, what was the worst that could happen? The NOT PAYING had already been happening for six months, and arrearages were in excess of 5k. I figured the Judge would just hand Jackass a greatly reduced child support figure to see if he'd pay THAT or maybe tell me to pay Jackass, or, I dunno, ask Jackass to meet for a beer later. Because, well, that's just how it had been going. The whole thing felt like a monumental waste of time.

So I wasn't really prepared for what happened.

Jackass had the same court appointed attorney as before. (I am tickled to report that the guy's nickname is "Fast Eddie"...and no- I am totally NOT MAKING THAT UP!!) This is because the non-payment of child support is actually a crime, making it a criminal case that he had failed to pay child support for six months.

Jackass had apparently run our respective incomes through the state's child support guidelines and determined that his obligation should be approximately $357/ mo. For three kids. This is less than half of what he had been ordered to pay. (But I should point out it still would have been $357 more than I had been getting!) Jackass presented his figures to the judge, asked that his arrearages be reduced accordingly, and sat back smugly. Neither Jackass nor his attorney offered an explanation as to why he hasn't paid anything. His attorney, handily, did volunteer that he had been held in contempt in Circuit Court the week before.

The Judge was Not Amused.

Jackass was found guilty of contempt of court, and ordered to pay me $715/ mo. The Judge deviated from the guidelines (!!) because he though it was ridiculous that an able bodied male with 20 years' experience is working for minimum wage. 

Sentencing will be 9/11. If he fails to pay me in a timely fashion he will be going to jail. And even if he does pay, I am totally asking for a judgement in the amount of the arrearages and my attorney's fees, and taking his stupid motorcycle I mean midlifecrisiscycle.

In other news I had a series of negotiations with Mrs. Jackass Sr. (who may deserve a new nickname soon if she continues to be reasonable) about visitation and the kids are actually up there this week for visitation.

VCB and I have had a lot of private time. It's been lovely, but I miss my babies a lot. I can't wait til they come home to me.

June 09, 2009

Some cheap stuff that doesn't suck

Back in the day when I had a lot on my plate (and my wallet), I appreciated things differently. My priorities weren't screwed up, per se, I just prioritized to a different tune so to speak. I liked beautiful jewelry, got my nails and hair done all the time, drove a big shiny black truck that I kept immaculately clean, the kids and I wore adorable clothing. I collected gadgetry and had a bunch of free time to meet my Mom friends at Starbucks and poke through Barnes & Noble. I had Botox and went to the gym all the time.

Things have changed what with the poverty and the working full time. I don't have time for most of that stuff and if I am gonna part with any money it's going to be for something we need, or want badly, and get a good deal on. (Okay, so books still fall into the *need* category for me, as does good beer. But hell, it's cheaper and more effective than therapy!)

Today the things I appreciate and somewhat consider to be splurges of either time or money are different. It certainly sounds like a cliche' but they are every bit as meaningful as the things I used to enjoy.

I am fortunate to live in a city that has a lot of outdoor music events all summer, for free or cheap. The VCB, my kids and I went to see Willie Nelson last week, and the Zac Brown Band the week before.

We live within driving distance of several beaches, a river, and a good half dozen parks. There's a water park three miles up the road that I am considering buying passes to. I have discovered a nearby thrift store where paperbacks are $1, and the selection is usually good enough that I find something new (last week's find was Lost by Gregory Maguire)

I still love my iPod, the iTunes library, my MacBook, and my BlackBerry; and VCB gave me a TomTom GPS for Christmas that has saved my hide over and over again.

 

I have reluctantly embraced life as a non-color-enhanced brunette (fuck you, Nature. I am gonna be blonde again when I can afford it, so help me God!!) and I paint my own toenails now. However, my old stylist has moved to a MUCH less expensive salon so I can still afford a decent cut. (VCB accidentally discovered that- he was raving about the lady who gives him awesome haircuts, and when I walked in I just about DIED of joy!)

While I don't have anymore of my ridiculously expensive jewelry (but Thank God I HAD it, as it fed my kids for six months last year!)I have a friend who discovered a designer here in town who makes funky cool crocheted beady things that are relatively cheap and unique. I bought myself a $35 necklace yesterday to celebrate my divorce- and believe me, it is a whole lot more meaningful to me than that $1500 Yurman piece I used to wear daily!

I am shamelessly addicted to Twitter, and iced coffee (which I learned to make at home) and long skirts. My summer shoes are these flipflops, which my mom got me, and these, which VCB bought me, when I am not plotzing around in these remnants of my former life as a spendy girl. 

And instead of my addiction to expensive bath products, I now totally love this extremely cheap but amazing smellingshower gel so much that if they ever quit making it I will probably cry. In fact I think I am going to stock up just in case. 

I wish I had been more creative in my planning of life's little adventures before, and I still see and crave things on a daily basis that I have no business considering, but all in all I am pretty damn happy with less. It really IS the little things that you appreciate.

June 07, 2009

Free At Last!

I lost my access to the blog for awhile thanks to Jackass hacking my email account (and that of a former client in the same week) so you won't likely hear much about the death threats via Twitter he sent me anonymously, or the visitation he bailed on, or the BS court dates or how he hasn't paid any child support this year beyond the $600 the state deducted from his unemployment. Sorry I haven't updated, but it's been more of the same around here.

Except....

Last Thursday was D day. We went to court for the final decree of Divorce, a Show Cause in which Jackass was to answer to the court as to why he has failed to pa the court-ordered back house payments, and my name change.

True to form Jackass had, the day before the hearing, filed three counter motions asking that my Divorce filing be thrown out; that he be allowed to replace the Lis Pendens on the house I am selling, and some other asinine bullshit that frankly I can't remember. The judge upbraided him harshly, saying "Mr. Hayes, you have had many opportunities to turn this around, to do the right thing. And at EVERY turn, you have made the wrong choice. Every decision you have made here has been BAD. It's time for her to get her divorce. I am dismissing all of your motions. They are ridiculous." 

And with that, I am free. Almost.

My Dad came to court with me as usual, but unlike anything I have ever done in court I completely lost my composure and started crying right there in front of the judge. Later my Dad pulled me aside and said, "It's over. The game's over, and you won." Then he gave me some money. A lot of money actually. To free me from being angry and bitter and dependent upon a man who is determined now to use money to control me any way he can. It worked. The past few days have been the best of this entire ordeal, and I can't thank my folks enough for giving me that gift. It's more than I could ever have asked for- finally being, and feeling FREE is the best medicine.

Bottom line- Jackass still has the right to sue me in civil court for any portion of the equity he feels entitled to upon the sale of the house. (We can drag that out 3-5 years in civil court, and by then all the money will belong gone, so, whatever.) And handily, I retain the right to enforce penalty from the show cause, (jail time in the amount of 30 days) forever. 

We go back to court on Friday to have his child support reduced. Yeah. I know. @@

But so what? He can't hurt me anymore.

April 02, 2009

Whew, glad THAT'S over!!

The past two days have been...crazy! (So crazy it took me two days to post this, so ignore the fact that by "today" I now mean "yesterday" etc....sorry)

Yesterday morning Autumn threw up twice, then Julia crashed into me, causing me to drench myself in coffee. Which necessitated a wardrobe change. Which pissed me off since I was going to a job fair and really wanted to wear my IA shirt. Damn.

Anyway. Worked the job fair, saw my old high school friend Mike, (Ogey!! LOL- I am sure he LOVED me calling him that in front of his colleagues, I need to self edit better!!) Then came home and worked a while. Ran a couple miles and did some weight work. Austin grilled steaks. I had locked myself out of my safe and really needed the kids' paperwork for my Food Stamp/ Medicaid re-up appointment today, so I spent an hour hunched over the stupid safe, and finally got the damn thing open- Yay, me!!!! (And also Boo Hiss, me- wtf was I thinking locking the combo in the stupid safe!? Duh! Although I'm sure it won't be the last idiotic mistake I ever make)

I had been pretty sure that I wouldn't be receiving any Food benefits today for this month since I had the appointment today, but when I woke up I called the number on the card and it had $600 on it! I decided I would be an idiot not to spend as much of that as possible before the appointment, since who knew if they'd re-evaluate and lower the benefit amount afterwards. So I went to Food Lion at 8am and dropped $479 in two trips through the store, mostly on non-perishables. Then I worked a while, hit Walmart on the fly for $120 more in non perishable groceries, and went to my appointment at Social Services.

Social Services is like hell's waiting room, after a riot in the Jerry Springer studio kills twelve. I hate going there. I hate being a client. I hate being dependent. Its demeaning and demoralizing and depressing. Sitting between an excessively tattooed drunk guy talking about his latest arrest, and some woman trying to rationalize her scuzzy boyfriend beating on her, makes me feel worthless by association. (Yeah, I know- they aren't worthless. Its just, rough.)

So, I left there all screwed up, sad, angry, hurt, depressed, with about five minutes to spare, and went to the bank. I stuck my keys in my pocket and stood up to go inside. I heard the keys fall out of my pocket & hit the floorboard a half second before the van door slammed....and locked. Right before the bus was due to drop my kids off at home. After I had my panic attack, I called my dad, who works at a car dealership a few miles up the road, and my BFF Eve, who graciously hopped in her van and zoomed to my house to wait for the kids.

As an aside, while I was waiting, I called my girlfriend Eliza, who drives the same stinkin' van I do (and whose van is also hell bent on destroying her life with various acts of defiance) and we tested out the "unlock your car via cell phone" thing. FAIL!!

My dad arrived, unlocked me, crisis averted. Eve and I had a conversation about how useless vaginas are in cases of mechanical emergency, large hairy spider sightings, and stuck jar lids. Whereas it appears that merely waving a penis in the direction of these situations fixes any of them immediately. Its patently unfair. I am SO gonna be a man in my next life. Or a lesbian.

So. Tomorrow is gonna be cool. Thanks to Carmen over at http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/ the kids and I have free passes to media day at Busch Gardens Williamsburg tomorrow! We are gonna spend the day riding rides and watching a movie and eating lunch with characters. I am so grateful to her for thinking of us and for passing along the opportunity, my kids are thrilled! I will post pictures- and a review of the new Sesame Street Fun Forest, this weekend.

Taking the van in for an oil change now. My life is so glamorous I can't hardly stand it!

Conversation between me and Very Cute Boy

Me: so, call me in the morning at 6, and make me go get on the treadmill... VCB: Nope Me: what? Why not? VCB: if I do that I won't get to talk to you, you'll be on the treadmill. Me: So you'd rather I laze in the bed and talk to you on your way to work every morning than have a cute ass? VCB: Yeah, pretty much. Me: well at least I know where your priorities are.....

March 28, 2009

Good things!

My girlfriend Eliza has been suffering through a divorce that's neck in neck with mine for sheer ugliness, but she's doing it with some major obstacles- like special needs children, her own major health problems, and no real support system in place. So when she started running last week, I was all, "wow! Yay you!!" Followed shortly by a forehead smack to myself- "seriously, self" my inner voice sighed disgustedly, "there's a pair of Nikes in your closet and a really Expensive Treadmill in your garage. You used to be a total gym rat and now you are trying to solve your depression and insomnia with drugs? What's wrong with you?" 

So today I strapped on the ipod and trudged out to the garage. Very Cute Boy had to come over and clean the motor (rust from not being used) but pretty soon my ass was in gear. I also found some free weights and did a bunch of curls, dips, squats, presses, flys, and lunges. Ahhh...endorphins, how I have missed thee!!!!

Rewinding, yesterday was a mess. First I got a call from the kids' school that Jackass was trying to sign them out. (Wtf!? My only guess- to bring them to Court. But luckily my good bud the Principal told him to suck it.). Then there was the support hearing in which Jackass tried to have his support cut and arrearages eliminated. (Currently he owes the kids 7,500$) He also argued that since I "work from home" (not really true since I don't have internet here) I don't need to pay for childcare during the summer and he should not have to pay anything towards that. After about an hour of back and forth bullshit, the judge ruled that since I am a client of DCSE (the social services agency that collects child support from recalcitrant parents) he had no authority to rule on any reduction. Except he berated Jackass over the child care thing and ordered it factored into the support. So. Case continued til June. Jackass also filed a Les Pendens on the GBR house. This clever move had my attorney absolutely chuckling in delight. "That's gonna send Judge Harris into cardiac arrest!" Since Harris already ordered Jackass to return the house to me, the Les Pendens is going to be viewed by the Court as basically a big "Fuck you" from Jackass. Which, according to my attorney, can't do anything but help my case, and expedite my divorce.

Jackass texted me last night while I was having a lovely dinner with my dad and Very Cute Boy. I *could* have him arrested for it but with all the endorphins I am feeling generous. Plus I don't care to expend another second of my life dealing with his crap.

Mom is babysitting tonight. Very Cute Boy and I have some plans. I hope your evening is as good as mine's going to be ;)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

March 26, 2009

In which my post takes an unexpectedly snarky turn.

Suffering miserably from sinus congestion for the past few days, I gave up and took Benadryl and NyQuil at bedtime last night. And WHOO HOO!!!! SLEEP, people! 9 solid hours!!!!! I feel amazing. If I always felt this good I would be single mom extraordinaire. Interview Angel Rockstar. I would take over the world, I tell ya! 

Probably you don't have to worry about my capacity for Total World Domination. I won't be covertly guzzing cold medicine out of a paper bag or cruising the aisles at Walgreens looking for my next hit. That wouldn't be responsible, damnit.

 Anywho. In other news- I may be teaching a class on Fridays for IA through the County. Am oddly excited about the opportunity. 

Have realized my computer skills are not as sucky as I previously imagined. Edging towards delusions of competence actually. Go, me :) 

(Insert clever segue here).....So. y'all may have noticed that in the interest of protecting Very Cute Boy's privacy I don't talk about him too much on the 'net. He has to be incredibly cautious about protecting himself from Jackass. (JA rides by VCB's house regularly and still interrogates the kids about him. If there was a chink in the armor JA would toss a grenade in about two seconds.) Its been pointed out to me that dating someone that didn't used to be Jackass' best friend, someone he, say, didn't know at all, would be a LOT easier. My response? Well! Thank you, Captain Obvious!

 For example if I was dating someone else, I might actually get to see them once in a while. Whoever it was, wouldn't be wearing the same jumbo sized flashing target on his back. Also, VCB's target would probably shrink but not disappear. My brother might actually deign to speak to my partner. My family and friends might invite us over and include us in their parties. Yeah I am talking to you, Nicole, and you, Susan, and especially you, Doug. What makes this especially sucktacular is how warm and loving and sweetly supportive VCB's Very Cute Family has been to me and even my kids. You know how they say  everything is relative? Well, relative to the way my family and friends have reacted to the situation, HIS family and friends have practically thrown us a huge parade, taken out a billboard proclaiming their joy,and adopted me. Which makes it suck harder to go to my family's events, unaccompanied. VCB seems to have nearly boundless patience with it. Me- um, no. Not so much. 

 Everyone asks me, is this worth it? Am I SURE? Well there are no guarantees for anyone. But what I know for sure is the VCB still makes me happy. He makes me whole. We belong together. I can't explain how I feel with him. (God knows, I have TRIED to define it.) He is my only peace, my safe place, my comfort, my joy. I trust him with my life. I need him like oxygen. Its not perfect, no. We are very very different on some levels. We both have " issues". We are both stubborn and smart and have ridiculously high expectations. We have different opinions on a lot of things. But. I have been in a crappy relationship and I have enough experience to know what this is. He is mine and I am his. The kids and I would NEVER have survived the past year with out him. He has done literally everything including giving us the shirt off his back to keep us safe, healthy, happy, and comfortable. And he has waded into this war and fought right beside me and propped me up over and over again, at great personal cost, even when I was being a total bitch. All those times I DIDN'T call one of you bawling? Were because he was talking me down off the ledge. (You're welcome!) In short, VCB doesn't have to be here, but he is. And in this I am blessed. Giving up for the "easier" option has never been my style. Its one of my (many) character flaws. Besides. There would be nothing "easy" for me about losing him. He is my heart. 

For a majority of my life I have abdicated control over my choices. I am a grown woman, not a kid. I shouldn't have to pick who I am with based on who is acceptable to someone I don't respect. Or even someone I do respect. Like my brother. Or certain other people who have made no secret of their feelings about me dating my ex's former friend. Did it occur to any of you that possibly *I* had something to do with our relationship? That VCB didn't just single handedly break the stupid "man code" and abscond with my poor helpless little vulnerable heart all on his own? Do you think that Jackass is some kind of model of human perfection whose feelings should be protected at all costs? Have any of you been paying attention at ALL?? And also, have you given any thought to the fact that this really isn't about YOU, and that by shutting me out of your lives this way, you have made a really crappy time in my life even MORE difficult?

I am going to let this follow the course we set for ourselves. And those folks who don't acknowledge or include VCB, who don't respect and support our relationship, here's your choice- take it or leave it. I refuse to apologize for doing what makes me happy. We are just a man and a woman doing our best under really shitty circumstances. You are married or seeing who YOU chose. I may or may not like your mate, but you will never, ever know that. I haven't, don't, and won't ever comment on their shortcomings or your differences or your challenges. I accept and support you and your decisions for your life. VCB and I being together doesn't hurt any of you. Until you can see that, and accept it, and make an effort to support us, I simply won't be going out of my way to call, or see, you again. I love you, and I will miss you, but I'm not going to hurt the man who loves me, for you. There are plenty of people that do support us that I can hang around with.

Romeo and Juliet, and gay couples everywhere, you have my sympathy. 

March 25, 2009

Just call me Ms. Pac Man

I have eaten everything in my path for the past few days. Considering that VCB has demanded I gain weight, and also considering the only person in my household that I currently outweigh is only 6 years old, this would seem not to be such a bad thing. 
Except I am broke. 
And can't replace my teeny tiny wardrobe with normal sized clothes. 
How ridiculous is it to be stuck at 110 lbs because you can't afford to replace size two pants?

Yawn

Two hours sleep last night.

Today: Dr appt for my son, (camp physical, assuming I can find a way to pay for camp, shit). Then multiple errands for work, a stop @ the grocery store, and then home for, yes, more work. Also I ran the portable dishwasher last night without turning on the water, (that's me, always with the smart!) effectively rendering it a kiln. So I have to chisel my dirty dishes this evening. Which will be fun. 
Ready, set, here I go. 
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The agony and the ecstasy

I had a great weekend. My three little winners were off with Jackass, but that made for some Bad Fun opportunities. (Dear Tarjay, thank you for putting really, really messy and obnoxious kids' craft kits on 75% off Friday. I am sure Jackass thoroughly enjoyed making scented body glitter with the kids, Sincerely, me) Very Cute Boy and I had a Very Nice Dinner Friday night, and I must have slept a solid ten hours. Poor VCB willingly suffered through a few of those with his arm dead asleep underneath me and was all "Well, you were SLEEPING" when I asked him why on Earth he didn't shove me off....Awww.

Then Saturday I went to my Moms and we watched the Twilight movie and stuffed ourselves with Thin Mints. (Mmmm, Girl Scout cookies....) Sunday was the Irish Festival, which I had waffled over up to the last minute (owing to suspecting that Jackass might have been there) but it was totally worth risking to have a Guiness and hear the bagpiped version of Amazing Grace, my favorite song ever. Then last night VCB and the kids and I threw some chicken on the grill and opened a couple of beers and had a nice cookout. 

MY weekend was great. The kids, not so much. Very Cute Boy calls the way my kids are fucked over by Jackass "Head Trauma" and I can't think of a more appropriate description. There was Head Trauma this weekend. The kids were told that *I* am the reason that Jackass' brother doesn't have custody of his kids. (Heh.) Among other, less bloggable, allegations. Argh. 

Anyway- waiting on kids to get off bus and typing on my BlackBerry. The condition of my house defies description at the moment, suffice it to say that I have a lot of housework to do. And also the fourth Twilight book and a box of Girl Scout Cookies are staring me in the face. Not much of a contest is it? Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

March 20, 2009

On the off chance you see this...

Dear Jackass, First of all that's a VERY loose interpretation of the word "Dear", don't start thinkin' I'm all polite to you all of a sudden, because I still wish you would simply evaporate- okay? long as we're straight on that, I will get to the point.

You really devastated the kids tonight.

You see them once a week for two hours. Two lousy hours. You picked the time, even.

In the past month you have declined visitation twice and been a half hour late one other time.

Trying to bail on them tonight, telling me it wouldn't work because you had " a meeting", then spending your time with them on the phone to your girlfriend apologizing for ditching HER instead- not cool, dude. The kids are not stupid. Or deaf.

They came home pissed. Austin called you an asshole. Repeatedly.

Now, while WE both know that you are jerking the visitation around for the same reason you drag me into court every five minutes- because it screws with my life- what you apparently fail to comprehend is the effect it has on the kids. So pay attention. I will type s.l.o.w.l.y.

They feel like you don't care about them. At ALL. Don't link your MySpace page posts about all your partying to Austin's, then try to be all "I have a meeting" when you're supposed to be with them. Don't tell Candypants you are SO SORRY you're gonna be late in front of them, like the two hours you have them is such a huge inconvenience.

Why did you file divorce papers asking for full custody if two hours a week is beyond you? Do you KNOW how many actual hours are IN a week?? Or how much work it takes to fill those hours when you can't just take them out for fast food and give them back?

I am just appalled.

You suck at life. And fatherhood. You should come with a warning label.

That is all. 
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

March 18, 2009

More of the same

Jackass is still a jackass. Maybe not with a crapital "J" but only because he took drunky girlfriend out of town and therefore has not had visitation in three weeks so he hasn't been able to bug the piss out of me as usual. (Wow. What a run on sentence THAT was. My inner editor is appalled, but since I am reduced to typing with my thumbs on my Blackberry, I ain't fixin it. Sorry) I am Still. Not. Sleeping. Last night I woke up four times between 10 and 2:30am, then, boink- wide awake the rest of the night. Yep. THEN I went to the Starbux drive thru in an expensive and ultimately futile attempt at waking myself up, only to have the whole fucking cup leap out of the cupholder and explode onto my laptop bag before I got outta the parking lot. Sigh. Very Cute Boy and I seem to be edging back to good. Although three weeks without any quality time together (see above re: jackass' lack of visitation) has made things a lot more frustrating. Also torturous- Very Cute Boy has always had about two percent body fat, but the past two months he has put on fifteen pounds of pure muscle and shaved off his winter beard. He looks edible. Am loving my job. Its great. Apparently Jackass has also found a job. Don't know and don't care. Would be nice to get some child support though as I am still poor as the fleas on the church mouse. My grandma sent me some money twice last week. Love her- I bought gas and cat litter. And that is all my thumbs are up for. Thank you, and goodnight!! Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

March 18, 2009

More of the same

Jackass is still a jackass. Maybe not with a crapital "J" but only because he took drunky girlfriend out of town and therefore has not had visitation in three weeks so he hasn't been able to bug the piss out of me as usual. (Wow. What a run on sentence THAT was. My inner editor is appalled, but since I am reduced to typing with my thumbs on my Blackberry, I ain't fixin it. Sorry) I am Still. Not. Sleeping. Last night I woke up four times between 10 and 2:30am, then, boink- wide awake the rest of the night. Yep. THEN I went to the Starbux drive thru in an expensive and ultimately futile attempt at waking myself up, only to have the whole fucking cup leap out of the cupholder and explode onto my laptop bag before I got outta the parking lot. Sigh. Very Cute Boy and I seem to be edging back to good. Although three weeks without any quality time together (see above re: jackass' lack of visitation) has made things a lot more frustrating. Also torturous- Very Cute Boy has always had about two percent body fat, but the past two months he has put on fifteen pounds of pure muscle and shaved off his winter beard. He looks edible. Am loving my job. Its great. Apparently Jackass has also found a job. Don't know and don't care. Would be nice to get some child support though as I am still poor as the fleas on the church mouse. My grandma sent me some money twice last week. Love her- I bought gas and cat litter. And that is all my thumbs are up for. Thank you, and goodnight!! Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

February 19, 2009

Here we go again

Things are looking, well, if not up, then at least not over my shoulder to see who might be shooting at me. For now.

Valentine's Day weekend last weekend saw me and the kiddoes having fun together. Julia persuaded me to get her (another) fish, which of course promptly went the way of the other two....which is to say belly up. 

I was reading an article in Cosmo last night about home haircoloring, then walked out of the room for a moment and left the magazine open on the table. Autumn decided to leaf through it and saw a picture of a scantily clad couple embracing. Whereupon she dissolved into hysterical tears that I had left a picture of two people HAVING SEX on the table and OH MY GOD she was damaged! Her EYES!! I think she was waiting for the world to just go on and end, already. Sigh. Fast forward thru me showing the photo to her and explaining that it wasn't sex, they weren't naked, and OMG she had no business poking around in my magazine...to her telling her brother "Mom left a picture of TWO PEOPLE HAVING SEX on the table!!" seriously. Now I must never throw away that particular magazine, ever. If CPS shows up on my doorstep Imma gonna say, "Yep, here's her bag and don't let the door hit her on the butt on the way to foster care!" I dare Jackass to comment. He can HAVE them! 

I got two emails from Jackass Sr demanding money. Um, WTF? you may ask.... They apparently believe, according to my son, that I have a secret stash of money I was squirreling away for months before the divorce. Jesus. IF ONLY, right??

 That whole family is so fucked up I can't even begin to process it. My ex sister in law (formerly married to Jackass' younger, and believe it or not, even dumber and more violent, brother) and I are joking about writing a book, anonymously, titled "Toxicity- Our escape from the most poisonous inlaws in America". 

Tomorrow we go back to court again to try to finalize this thing once and for all. Lets keep our fingers crossed. Saturday I am to have a nice dinner with friends- which I hope will be celebratory in nature and not a consolation drunk fest that Jackass screwed me over yet again!

Unbloggable news about Jackass' criminal case continues to roll in. I will post when I can.

February 13, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

Posting has been tough since I lost my internet access at home. I am camped at Barnes & Noble this morning trying to get some work done today and feeling sorta like stabbing the annoying, arrogant, I'm-wayyy-too-educmacated-for-this-job barrista in the eye with the sharpened #2 pencil I am tapping. 

I digress.

Last weekend was AWESOME. Very Cute Boy got an impulse and we hopped a train to DC. Stayed in heavenly, fancy-ass hotel, ate lovely food, slept in, wandered around the city. Took the Metro, saw monuments and museums, took a trolley through Olde Town Alexandria, and went ice skating for the first time. Did not fall on my arse so I count that as a success ;) I hated to come home. It was great. 

Today's my Dad's birthday, we are having cake and ice cream at the 'rent's house tonight.  Dad is getting a Wii for his birthday, and I swear my kids are more excited that Grandma and Grandpa will have a Wii, than they were to open their own Wii! It's gonna be funny. Except that my family is not including Very Cute Boy in family celebrations yet, which dampens my enthusiasm greatly. His family rocks, they are all sweet and huggy and I love them, they are truly fabulous. I suppose mine will come around to acceptance of our relationship. someday. sigh.

Some other stuff- am taking anti-depressants, as of this week. Feeling oddly flat and disconnected, as though have had lobotomy, but without the twitching and drooling afterwards, so far. Some time ago I lost my ability to sleep like a grownup and instead find myself WIDE! AWAKE! after two hours at best. Argh...no wonder babies are always pissed off. It sucks mightily. I am hoping the medication helps with that, and fast. 

Things are still very tough on the money front. Jackass is trying to have his child support lowered (to what? Less than the NOTHING I have been getting?? What, I should pay HIM? that will be heard Monday. stay tuned.) I may have a buyer for the GBR house. Meeting them Sunday if my Mom will help w. kids.

New divorce day, 1 week from today. Not getting too hyped up over it this time. we shall see. I have had News of The Unbloggable Variety on the criminal prosecution of Jackass, stay tuned for that as well. Looks like he has had the kids around Drunky Girlfriend. They are impressed with the size of her boobs. LOL. He also tried to hack my email account this week. Looking into it.

So, for Valentine's Day- here's to Love, and War. XOXOXO!!

January 31, 2009

Displeasurement

The past few weeks have been stressful. Jackass told the kids he had a "Meeting" last Thursday and skipped visitation. Turns out he slipped up and told them all about the movie he went to see instead of being with his kids for the TWO HOURS A WEEK he is allowed to see them. Does he think they don't notice that shit?? Then they went for their every-other-weekend and I got pitiful emails from the kids asking to come home, over and over. 

We had a hearing scheduled for Monday at the local Domestic court, Jackass had "show-caused" me for a couple of bullshit incidents and also because I am "under employed" - what a fucking joke- I was a stay at home Mom for twelve years and he is claiming not to be employed at ALL  (although genius that he is, he kindly posted recent jobsite pictures on his MySpace page,so I have proof that he IS) and he wants his child support reduced, etc etc, etc... I had show caused HIM for trying to administer tap water instead of medicine, having the kids around his brother at Christmas, and letting my son walk around on a roof.

So Monday, we went to court and the judge appointed a Guardian Ad Litem to the case, because I am requesting supervised visitation.- She is a lawyer who's basically an advocate for the kids. This is good and bad. Good in that someone will finally figure out what the hell is going on here and enforce some kind of decent standards of care when the kids are with Jackass- and with whom the kids' wishes will weigh very heavily. Bad in that this is yet another intrusion and of course, more delays!! She gave us very detailed questionnaires to fill out, and set up meetings for us both. Jackass immediately tried to get the first appointment with her, and apparently did not fill out the questionnaire at all. Not surprising since he doesn't KNOW any of the kids' teachers, clothing sizes, favorite foods, etc and he damn sure won't be admitting to any history of substance abuse. I met her Friday morning and I'm going to meet with her again Monday. On the encouraging front she admitted to being less than impressed with Jackass.

Friday (yesterday) I had been hoping and praying that my divorce would finally be finalized, and that the court would address the issues with the house- the damage that Jackass did, the non-payment of payments, etc. This is a picture of one of the many wires he cut in the attic....

and here is the "gift" he left on the kitchen counter....

And, well, I will spare you all the pictures of the toilets (that were all crapped in- no water- ugh) and the landscaping that he killed and the stuff that was broken...

My lawyer, whom I in general LOVE, totally called this one wrong. He had assured me that there was virtually no chance that Jackass wouldn't go directly to jail Friday, that he would be held until he paid for the damages to the house plus the back payments, and that I would be granted my divorce, period. This scenario would have allowed me to make my rent and house payments for February, and hello- DIVORCED!!! Hooray!!

Yeah. I should have known better than to hope. No way I am ever gonna get that lucky that something won't totally fucking suck, right?

Jackass showed up with Jackass Sr. (this was Sr.'s first appearance on his son's behalf- and if I know him, he was there to stroke Jackass' bail check.) and his sister, who I actually feel sorry for, and whose role, I surmised, was going to be driving Jackass' car when he was taken away by the bailiff.

The first thing out of Jackass' mouth was "Is this a jailable offense?" 

Judge: "If these allegations of your having not paid the house payments and damaging the house at=re proven true, I am highly inclined to incarcerate you, yes."

Jackass: "I wasn't served with these papers"

Judge: "I have proof of service right here, is this address yours?"

Jackass: "That's my parents' address"

My Attorney: "He uses that address on all his filings, Your Honor"

Judge: "Then you WERE served."

Jackass: "I'd like to request a court appointed attorney in this matter"

Judge, looks thru papers and hems and haws, finally agrees.

Me: "Your Honor, he HAS a court appointed attorney, who's representing him in his non-payment of child support case in Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court"

Judge- Looking over his glasses at Jackass: "Oh DO you now? we will just use him, then."

Jackass: "But don't I have 21 days to respond to these allegations?"

Judge: "Have you ALREADY been talking to an attorney?"

Jackass, clearly caught: "Um, no..."

Judge: "Mr X. since I am inclined to incarcerate you, we will allow you to come back on March 17 with your attorney. Where can you be served?"

Jackass: "I have been harrassed! I don't want her to know where I live! (*note-there's been no harassment- he doesn't want me to be able to pass his address along to the bill collectors, private investigators, or authorities who are looking for him)

Judge: "Give your address to the bailiff, we are done here."

And that was that. 

This is NOT good news for me. Jackass owes me over $5,000 in back child support and house payments, not counting damage to the house. I am down to about $20. I have no possible way to pay my rent, the house payment, or anything else. I am facing eviction AND foreclosure. And to make matters even better, look what I found linked to my son's MySpace page?

This is Jackass partying with his girlfriend, on New Year's Eve...After he returned the kids early from visitation. 

She is real classy, as you can see here. And here.

And they apparently LOVE to drink, as you can see here...

Her whole page was full of shit like this. AND, did I mention it was LINKED TO MY 12YR OLD SON'S PAGE????

Jesus Christ. The man just can't stop with the displays of stupidity.

On the bright side my lawyer was highly entertained. And he assures me that these, plus the jobsite photos I was smart enough to print off also, are NOT going to amuse the judge who is reviewing the supposed "unemployment" claim one bit.

Nevertheless this does not pay my rent.

January 21, 2009

Duh....

Daughter: "My underwear's rubbing me!" (yanks at it)

Son, considering: "Does it hurt a girl to get kicked there?"

Me, over hearing: "It hurts to get kicked EVERYWHERE"

Son: "oh. yeah. I guess thats true."

January 20, 2009

In which I am NOT nominated for Mom of the Year. Again.

My kids are 12, 9 and 6. To say that the rather spectacular dissolution of our family unit has affected them would obviously be akin to saying that the economy is less than stable. I have done my best, to be sure, but this is the kind of situation that no amount of stable routine or family togetherness can ever turn into "normal" for a kid.

Things they have lost include their father (sure he is still technically alive, but actively functioning in any parental capacity? er, no) their house, their dog, their security, the family vehicle, our entire social network (pretty much), their happy, motivated stay at home Mom, their security, the support/interest of their entire paternal family, their innocence, did I mention their security?

I am trying so goddamn hard to keep a roof over their sweet heads, food on the table, and some semblance of "Mom's not batshit crazy" that by bedtime I feel like I have been slaying dragons since dawn. Dragging my carcass out of bed in the morning has become a battle. I swear, every single day, there's some new crisis. Some disaster. Some motherfucking catastrophe that must be dealt with. It's a major league kid meltdown (today, and last week), a misunderstanding with a kids' friends' parent that gets heated (yesterday), an unpaid bill (today), a missed appointment (last Friday), a family member's health crisis (a new one every few days, it seems), some legal bullshit emanating from Jackass, (weekly, at minimum) so on and so forth. I find more often than not lately that I am exhausted, hopeless, depressed, and, frankly, starting to worry myself with the crap that runs through my head in quiet moments. I look at my kids every night as we sit in this crummy little rental house, and eat out food stamp meals, and feel like a huge failure as a Mom, and a human being. They deserve WAYYY better.

And here's my question, the one I flirt with in my weaker moments.

WOULD the kids be better off with Jackass??

Would he make some kind of home for them, attend to their needs, provide for their wants? Pay attention to them, laugh with them, monitor their homework, take them places, feed them vegetables, teach them to be honest, hardworking, principled, fair? Would he guide them up to be better citizens than I am capable of? 

And even if he wouldn't actually be better than me, what if he just didn't kill them? Am I a terrible mother because I need a goddamn break from this? 

This single mom thing is so HARD y'all. It's like climbing a mountain in a blizzard, drunk, with a pissed off wolverine strapped on your head. I don't know if I can do this forever.

If I start humming and rocking and weeping quietly to myself, somebody put a blanket on me, close the door and round up the kids. 

But probably you shouldn't give them to Jackass. Just in case. 

January 18, 2009

Still waiting

Am I the only one who has lived a good portion of their life feeling like, any day now, I will get it right and, voila'- the life I was meant to have, will start to happen?

I certainly felt that way for most of my charade of a marriage. I started out youthful and hopeful and trusting, truly believing that my husband would provide and protect and appreciate us. In my youth and optimism and inexperience I didn't immediately realize the truth- that I had picked someone who was profoundly emotionally damaged, and just, literally, incapable of a relationship. I continued making excuses and rationalizing and hiding things from my friends and family for close to twenty years. All the while, waiting, waiting, waiting....

And now I have a man in my life who loves me the way I always hoped to be loved, and who would, I truly believe, do anything for me and my kids. Very Cute Boy is also a Very Good Man, y'all, as in, he would chew off his own arm before he'd raise a hand to me, he never raises his voice, he opens every door and is chivalrous and gentle and strong and sweet-natured. 

There's always a "but", right?

BUT. I still have that, I'm in limbo, this isn't my LIFE, waiting for something feeling.

What am I waiting FOR?

I know by now my life will never resemble the glossy perfection in the magazine photos on my coffee table. No TV show, movie, book, or even this blog will ever come close to a depiction of my life that is realistic. I don't think that's what I am waiting on. 

Inner peace?

Security?

What is it I am seeking, that has proven so elusive??

January 16, 2009

They both start with "D"

I had a pretty productive day all things considered. Casa del Chaos really, really needed some attention this morning- I FINALLY finished packing up the Christmas decor (no comment) and folded Mt. Laundry, plus took out a bunch of trash, vacuumed, and ran the dishwasher twice. Then I worked awhile and ran some errands, including a trip to the grocery store.

 

One thing I used to do pre-divorce was meal planning. I would write out a menu for the week using a formula like: ingredients I already had + a few things I needed \ activities of the week - stuff Jackass would actually eat..(my ex wouldn't eat pasta, meat with bones OR leftovers of any sort, which complicated things quite a bit) then I would shop accordingly and all was good. I had kinda enjoyed the freedom of NOT meal planning and eating whatever the hell I wanted (or didn't want, since I got down to a hundred skeletal pounds, yikes) for the first few months of the split and after that, well, I fell out of the habit. Which led to me feeding the kids cereal for dinner last week, which led to Mom Guilt, and look! here I am, back on the meal planning wagon.

So tonight after my smugly organized shopping trip I made an Italian themed chicken, sundried tomato,and basil pasta dish with a white wine cream sauce for dinner. As I was stirring it I had this moment of satisfaction, like, hmmmphhh, this is exactly the kind of meal I love that Jackass would have bitched about, HA! And now I can cook whatever I want, and eat it for three days in a row if I feel like it. 

I served it up to the kids on nice plates with a tablecloth and candles. And as we sat down I had another moment, this one not at all satisfying. 

My divorce is so ugly, so extreme, so bitter. I truly believe that given half a chance, my ex would love nothing more than to inflict physical harm on me. I am scared of him, and with good reason- he doesn't even deny he was abusive during the marriage, and he seems to be unravelling more with each passing day. There's virtually no chance of Jackass and I ever sharing a neutral exchange at one of the kids' graduations, or standing side by side gazing through the nursery window at our first Grandchild. His hatred of me is that intense that he no longer bears any resemblance to the man I shared a good twenty years of my life with. We haven't spoken at all, in at least eight months now, and his life is a mystery to me- I do not know him anymore, in even the most superficial of ways. The man I was married to, simply no longer exists. 

I know people move on after divorces, even ugly ones. I know that time heals. Yet I am almost certain that this is exactly how ugly things are destined to remain for Jackass and I. This is in large part why I stayed as long as I did in the marriage- this ugliness that contaminates everything it touches, this shadow that will fall over every happy moment if my future.  

Sometimes it feels more like a death than a divorce. 

A slow and painful death with a million little endings, a profound and endless process of loss.