Authentically edited.

I read a lot of blogs. Food blogs, parenting blogs, writing blogs...and of course MommyBlogs. I read at least a stock handful a day, and I am always discovering new ones. Most don't hold my interest very long. My own blog probably wouldn't, even.

The ones that DO keep me coming back for more have some things on common. First of all the writing has to be good- grammatically correct at minimum, but hopefully clever and insightful as well. I have to either like, admire, relate to, respect, or loathe the writer- or at least their subject matter.

But most of all I have to feel like it's real.

And that's where I have my own biggest issues with blogging.

I'd LOVE to relate all of my trials and tribulations somewhere, God knows. I need an outlet badly. At times throughout the past two years I have thought my head would explode just from all the shit I couldn't talk about. I've been in counseling, I've had a great attorney, and even with them- people legally obligated to keep my confidence- I have been very selective what I have chosen to reveal.

I've always been that way to a degree- guarded, private.... But the divorce has made it a hundred times worse. Everything that Jackass CAN turn against me, he will. Protecting my kids means I can't give him any more ammunition. Even a funny story about one of them could potentially bite me on the ass in court. Do I know he has found my blog? No. But am I sure he hasn't? I never will be. He knows I write. He knows I blogged during the marriage. (It was a HUGE bone of contention.) He won't stop seeking ways to hurt me, this much I know.

I was a victim of domestic violence and psychological abuse. I was raped- twice. I have a protective order against my former husband. I don't have the luxury of feeling safe anymore, and I haven't, for years, with very few exceptions. There have been very few situations in my life when I remember NOT being anxious, not looking over my shoulder. I trust very few people. A few of the people I have trusted in the past few years have turned out to be malicious, vindictive, and cruel. One in particular will haunt me for a long time. I may never feel completely secure ever again.

So I struggle with being truthful and how much to write about and what to say here. I admire the women who blog openly and honestly about their lives and their children and the painful issues they face. I truly learn from them, cheer for them and love them. For their strength and courage in sharing, I am grateful and humbled.

I have so much to say and so much fear about saying any of it that half the time I erase posts before I publish them. What good is that?? Why bother with this?