Drowning

This past weekend was my grandfather's funeral.

I can't believe I just typed that sentence.

VCB moved Heaven and Earth to come to the services with me. Jackass' sister took the kids a day early so I could leave. We drove up overnight, after Dad and VCB got off work. Twelve hours. Again.

I was worried about my grandmother, who, after 62 years of marriage, has been left alone. However, I needn't have been. My grandmother (who is brain injured, and extremely self-absorbed) did not seem affected at all. It was very difficult to see her being her usual chatty and oblivious self while we were all walking around numb with grief. She has a 'helper", a patient, kind, loving angel named Pam, who took care of getting her ready and bringing her to the visitations and funeral service. Thank God. None of us could have done it without being unkind to her, even me.

Introducing VCB to my family at the funeral home felt surreal. Of all the circumstances to have had to debut the wierdness that is my extended family- doing it with my grandfather lying in his casket ten feet away was almost nauseating.

Everyone kept saying he looked good.

To me, the body in the blue casket was barely recognizable. In life, to me, he was most notable for his animation, his sparkle, his laugh. His bright blue eyes, his smile. The makeup covered still, cold form wearing a suit (a suit???) was foreign to me. Only his hands, the beloved hands that have held me and patted me and stroked me my whole life- the hands that in these last years I would take to keep HIM steady as we made our way along, the hands that reached for me and comforted me even as he lay dying- only his hands, bruised from the IV's and folded peacefully, were those of my grandfather.

I got through it, the visitation, mostly thanks to the devotion of VCB- who stayed beside me and was absolutely a rock. It was pretty horrifying having him witness some of their behavior. To my credit I managed to refrain from assaulting the people I desperately wanted to smack, who in my state of upset was pretty much everyone- (my cousin's girlfriend, who wore short shorts and sat on my cousin's lap while he groped her ass; my cousin/uncle (?) who made a pass at me (gross); my aunt who said introduced me as her "hot niece" (double gross, and really- WTF??); the skinhead with a woman's genitals tattooed on his shaved head; the idiot who wore basketball shorts; my mother's cousin who kept touching me and crying; my grandmother, who acted for all the world like it was just a pleasant family outing; the funeral director who was just an asshole.)

The funeral. The song they opened with, that we danced to at my wedding. The hearse, the 21 gun salute. The folding and presentation of the flag to my grandmother. The old man from the VFW who leaned forward and whispered. "Farewell, my comrade." The rose I took from the arrangement at the cemetery.

There were a few bright spots.

My grandfather's three surviving brothers, who reminded me so much of him, his eyes, his mannerisms, his voice- were sweet and kind and I enjoyed talking to them very much.

My mother was strong, and kind and sweet to me. My aunt, who usually makes things about herself- who just hugged me and held me up and cried with me. My cousin, who took VCB and I out for a beer. VCB, who distracted me, fed me, held me, steered me through the entire thing in my numbness and shock. He was just perfect- solid and kind and loving.

So I am home. And Real Life has resumed. The kids returned to school yesterday. I am trying to get back into the swing of things at work. I have court Friday, to get Jackass sentenced for his failure to pay support. We were supposed to go to the race this weekend but can't since we went to the funeral and now have no available childcare for VCB's kids.

I continue to disappoint VCB in every way, and to feel completely inadequate as a partner. I am not sure what the future holds for me but at this moment it all feels like too much. I am drowning in my grief and fear and hurt. I have cried every day for a month. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.