I am not sure at this point how much my emotional reaction is grief for my grandfather, and how much is actually grief for all the losses I have experienced in the past two years. The losses just mounted....first it was my marriage, disposable income, a functioning co-parent for my kids, then our home, our dog, my truck, all social standing, my pride, etc, etc, etc....
I realized I haven't done a great job reconciling myself to all these losses. Instead I have more or less been coasting along as though I might wake up any day now back in my old life. (Denial: no longer just a river in Egypt)
Having my 20 year high school reunion looming in my future, coupled with the grief of losing so much, has made me take a long hard look at my life- where I am, where I want to be, and what it will take to get there.
Frankly it's depressing as all hell.
I'm 38 years old, with three kids, no education, no accomplishments to speak of, and no real prospects.
I had kind of had a hope in the back of my mind that whenever I sold the house I would have a nest egg that would help me and the kids move forward with some more security. That hasn't happened, my family is tapped out, and my employment situation is really shaky. I honestly have no idea how I will pay my rent through the end of the year. Not a great place to be.
I'd like to find a way, ideally, to go back to school to at least finish my BA in English- maybe turn the writing thing into an actual gig. But that seems irresponsible, given how many starving artists are out there. So probably I should go in a more practical direction. Sigh.
But first I need to break free of this inertia, depression, and grief, and start moving forward.
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