In which I am at a loss.

So. The VCB, for the first time ever, asked me not to call him.

He's THAT angry about this.

And I don't know what to do. I tried backing out of the new house (which technically I *can* do since even though I gave the owner a deposit, I haven't signed a lease yet and the deposit is fully refundable.)

That didn't make him any happier. He insists that I move, anyway.

A few months ago we were looking at another house, together. But for various reasons that didn't work out. The conversations we've had about "us" since then haven't been all that rosy. The past few weeks have been difficult and we actually had a conversation about not being ready to commit to things as they currently stand.

Obviously, we weren't talking about getting married or moving in together in any specific timeframe. Which doesn't mean I thought those possibilities were off the table so to speak, just that it wasn't in our immediate future. There's been no talk, no daydreaming or fantasizing about a future together, or a wedding, or anything at all beyond the upcoming weekend and whether or not one or the other of us will have our kids. (well, that's not exactly true. There's been none of that on his part...which is rather a discouraging place to be with the man in your life when you're really close to 40 and really love your partner, but I digress...)

I thought that when I tried to talk to him about the possibility of the new house, he told me that I had to do what was best for my kids. I never once heard him say anything that was close to "Please don't do that" or, "I don't want to wait that long to live with you"...even though I talked specifically to him all day Friday about how I was waiting for word on the job so that I could apply to rent the house. He says he didn't know I would actually DO it.

And now that it's happening, he is angry. He says I have chosen to disregard our future and move on without him. He points to my previous blog post that said I "knew" the move would be for more than a year. Which wasn't my intention at all. When I wrote that, I somewhat stupidly was thinking I'd be out of my lease by the holidays next year, and if we were in a better place together, we could plan to spend the kids' school holidays moving in together or getting married.

I did the best I could with all of the variables I had to factor in, within the time frame I had to make a decision in. But leaving him behind was never part of my plan. I thought that giving us some more space and time- in which he wasn't feeling pressured to help me financially or to commit to me, or to move us forward- would be a good thing. A good place to build something better for everyone involved.

I thought this was going to be a positive move for my family, and thus a good thing for he and I. But apparently, that light was a train after all.