Solitude

It's late Friday night, the kids are with their male parental unit, and the VCB has his kids. This means I am home alone.

Just me, the Mac, two BlackBerries (really, don't ask) and the Mifi modem in my wrought iron bed. A cat or two may try to sneak in here since their usual bedmates- my daughters- are gone, but a swift kick quickly reminds them that they are Not Welcome in my room.

Today was brutal and exhausting and awesome all rolled into one.

I was productive. I got the garage cleaned up, ready for the garage sale except for sorting kids' clothes by size and pricing everything. There's still a bunch of stuff in the house I need to part with- more clothes and about a thousand books, and don't get me started on the baskets and dishes. (I was a Henn Consultant for years. I have about 5o place settings. And more baskets than I can count.) I should be able to cull most of what I want to get rid of this week and be ready for the mother of all yardsales next weekend.

But the whole day was spent waiting, waiting, waiting....

It was like a concentrated version of the past year and a half.

My realtor had emailed that there was an offer (a serious offer, he said) about to come in on my house, which never showed up.

I was waiting on that job offer.

And wholly dependent upon that was my waiting to be able to submit a rental application for the House of My Dreams.

Like all good things, the HoMD doesn't come without it's price. I have spent all day pondering the price, and whether it's one I am an idiot to pay.

See, the VCB and I have been in negotiations for months. The whole "Where is the relationship going?" talk that every couple gets to a point of having. Both of us were renting month-to-month and freely divorced as of earlier this year. We had looked at houses together. I had thought for quite some time that my next move would be into a house with him.

And obviously, that's not what happened. The VCB and I have had some ups and downs. We aren't ready for the next step yet, as much as my heart aches to say otherwise. So instead of stagnating and waiting in limbo, in a place that makes none of my kids nor me happy, and frankly, never has been more than a source of misery and a symbol of all that we lost, I am moving forward, alone. I am signing a lease, by myself, on a house that isn't compatible with the VCB's 'house dealbreakers'; a house that I will be living in for at least another year, but probably longer.

It's a great house, in a great town. I am beyond thrilled that I finally get to live there (even if I am a tad nervous about having neighbors again after ten years in the sticks.) It just doesn't have a VCB in it, and for that I can't help but be terribly sad.

I'm sick of sleeping alone.