My friend "Eliza" is dealing with a nasty divorce from a crazy ex too. And a lot of the time we commiserate about the usual bullshit- money, kids' feelings, visitation manipulation, emotional upheavals, and day to day practical realities of life as single moms. I'd have said we were a dead even tie for winner of the Ugly Divorce Award; up til recently.
She had a breakthrough encounter with her 'Ex of Doom' last night and it looks (fingers crossed!!!!) like maybe things are going to get better for their relationship. Like *maybe* they will be able to find some mature, decently cooperative way to co-parent their kids and figure out a reasonably amicable settlement agreement. Hallelujah, and please duck the flying pigs.
I couldn't be happier or more hopeful that things will turn out that way for her, him, and their three gorgeous (and I do mean gorgeous- whatever else those two may have done, their babies are spectacular) kids.
The fact that this- cooperation, mutual respect, and maturity- is highly unlikely ever to be part of the co-parenting relationship I have with Jackass (whose driver's license has now been suspended for failure to pay any child support, and who continues to fuck with the kids at every possible opportunity) is really hurting me lately. I see what the continued animosity is doing to them. They are stressed out, overloaded, angry. And I can't do anything to fix it for them; except love them and keep things as 'normal' as possible. But what now passes for normal here includes restraining orders, police, poverty, and public assistance. This shouldn't be anyone's 'normal'.
I have been telling myself I can't control Jackass, that this is what it is and I will just deal with things the best I can. The truth is I am scared he will try to screw me even more, and he is probably scared I will screw HIM even more, and we are both just reacting out of fear. But I can never trust him, EVER, so I am at a profound loss as to how to forge a different kind of relationship with him.
And then, there's my situation with VCB. VCB is an amazing man. He is smart, kind, decent, generous, beautiful, respectful, honest. I know he loves me. He has put up with so much, given so much, and been incredibly patient. He's not perfect, but he would never hurt me knowingly. And in return? Six months ago I did something colossally damaging, hurtful, unnecessary, and immature, because I am stubborn and stupid and damaged.
It might not have been AS hurtful to anyone else but I am starting to see that's not really the point. (I am a tad slow on the uptake.) I knew it would hurt HIM, and I made a series of poor decisions and did it anyway.
He wants to work past it, has been trying to figure it all out with me. I have not been terribly patient with him. I have been feeling quite self-righteous about things and making lots of excuses in my head, rationalizing all the reasons I am right and he is unreasonable in his expectations. He says I push his buttons on purpose, to test him, and I am starting to see that maybe he is right. Maybe on some level I do keep pushing him away to see if he will always come back.
What I know for sure is that what he feels now, is very similar, if not identical, to the way I felt for 20 years, living with someone too selfish to prioritize my feelings, too immature to protect me, too shallow and shortsighted to care beyond taking the cheap shot, the easy 'win'. I recognized this morning that now I am that person, whose cavalier attitude, selfishness and immaturity has damaged someone precious to me. I don't quite know what to do with that. I don't know how to make it right, I don't know if he should trust me. I don't know if *I* trust me. I don't want to lose him, but more than that, I don't want to do to anyone, ever, what was done to me. I don't want to be this person who hurts their partner and calls it the partner's fault.
There are so many changes I need to make to get where I want to be.
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