January 20, 2009

In which I am NOT nominated for Mom of the Year. Again.

My kids are 12, 9 and 6. To say that the rather spectacular dissolution of our family unit has affected them would obviously be akin to saying that the economy is less than stable. I have done my best, to be sure, but this is the kind of situation that no amount of stable routine or family togetherness can ever turn into "normal" for a kid.

Things they have lost include their father (sure he is still technically alive, but actively functioning in any parental capacity? er, no) their house, their dog, their security, the family vehicle, our entire social network (pretty much), their happy, motivated stay at home Mom, their security, the support/interest of their entire paternal family, their innocence, did I mention their security?

I am trying so goddamn hard to keep a roof over their sweet heads, food on the table, and some semblance of "Mom's not batshit crazy" that by bedtime I feel like I have been slaying dragons since dawn. Dragging my carcass out of bed in the morning has become a battle. I swear, every single day, there's some new crisis. Some disaster. Some motherfucking catastrophe that must be dealt with. It's a major league kid meltdown (today, and last week), a misunderstanding with a kids' friends' parent that gets heated (yesterday), an unpaid bill (today), a missed appointment (last Friday), a family member's health crisis (a new one every few days, it seems), some legal bullshit emanating from Jackass, (weekly, at minimum) so on and so forth. I find more often than not lately that I am exhausted, hopeless, depressed, and, frankly, starting to worry myself with the crap that runs through my head in quiet moments. I look at my kids every night as we sit in this crummy little rental house, and eat out food stamp meals, and feel like a huge failure as a Mom, and a human being. They deserve WAYYY better.

And here's my question, the one I flirt with in my weaker moments.

WOULD the kids be better off with Jackass??

Would he make some kind of home for them, attend to their needs, provide for their wants? Pay attention to them, laugh with them, monitor their homework, take them places, feed them vegetables, teach them to be honest, hardworking, principled, fair? Would he guide them up to be better citizens than I am capable of? 

And even if he wouldn't actually be better than me, what if he just didn't kill them? Am I a terrible mother because I need a goddamn break from this? 

This single mom thing is so HARD y'all. It's like climbing a mountain in a blizzard, drunk, with a pissed off wolverine strapped on your head. I don't know if I can do this forever.

If I start humming and rocking and weeping quietly to myself, somebody put a blanket on me, close the door and round up the kids. 

But probably you shouldn't give them to Jackass. Just in case.