April 27, 2008

Happy Birthday to my son

It's hard for me to believe that you are twelve. TWELVE!!!! As in next year you'll be a teenager. A decade, plus two.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that you are twelve because you still act like an oddly oversized toddler. Like when you have a fight with your sister over a balloon, ahem. That happened two hours ago.

Other times, I can't believe you're twelve because, well....you are so much wiser, more patient, intuitive and mature than I think any human under thirty could possibly be. Did I mention that you also have a wickedly sharp sense of humor and an appreciation for irony and sarcasm that I find both wildly entertaining and....a bit disturbing, in a kid your age?

The experience of being your mother turned me into a complete person in a lot of ways. There are truths about life that come into a clean and minute focus only in parenthood; such as the importance of one's own existence, and the realities of one's limitations. All your shortfalls are magnified a thousandfold when you see them reflected back at you in the eyes of your child. All your successes are bigger, your failures more profoundly disappointing, because they affect not only yourself, but your child. Son, I love you with an intensity that still astonishes me. I know that I would walk to the ends of the Earth for you, endure any pain, and give my life for you without a second's hesitation.

You don't know this, but when they told me you could be severely damaged, during my pregnancy, I faced a lot of pressure to abort you. I was young, and in good health. They told us we should think about trying again. And in the silent elevator ride down from that office, with my eyes full of tears and my hands shaking, you kicked me. hard. When I got home, I gathered my wits and called a good friend. I will never forget her words to me. She said, quietly, "Dawn. THIS is the baby God gave you, and the one He means you to raise. You will love him, no matter what happens, no matter what his limitations may be. We all have our limitations. No one is perfect." The she paused and said, "Congratulations on your son."

And then, you came. You were a gorgeous baby. A deliciously squeezable and joyful toddler, with little dimpled fists and an infectious laugh. I would give anything to have one more day with you, in your second year. As you grew you were fascinating to me...boys just seem to *know* how to use tools, put stuff together, find bugs, work equipment, and catch fish. I learned a million things just so I could live up to the faith you had that I knew everything. What Mom wants to feel ignorant next to a six year old when asked a simple question? But I promised you early on, that I would never lie to you. And I haven't. I have looked you in the eye and told you that things were none of your business, and I have told you that I would not discuss things with you just because you wanted to know them, but I have never lied. I will honor your trust til the day I die. You have become more than just a smart and charming kid. You are a young man I am proud to know. I can't wait to see who you will become.

Last night your dad brought you home from your birthday celebration at his folks' house, having not only failed to give you a gift, but also having borrowed your birthday money for gas. You were probably upset about it, but you didn't complain. You were good natured and happy all evening. You LOVED the Monty Python DVDs I bought you. We watched them together, after your sisters were in bed, and when a blowjob joke came on, I almost died. Not because you didn't know what it was, but because you DID. When did blowjobs replace Barney on your comedic scale? Where did those last ten years go? When I look at you, I can't believe what my eyes are telling me.

Your hands and feet have been bigger than mine for a year. You outweigh me and I only have about 6 inches on you...by this time next year I will probably be looking you in the eye. I know that adolescence will be relatively minor compared to what lies ahead for our family, in terms of difficulty. I know that this could not be happening at a worse time in your development. But I will surround you with good men, and they will light the way for you. You already know who you are and who you want to be. And I will always be here, behind you. You will overcome this and become the amazing person you are meant to be.

I love you.