January 18, 2009

Still waiting

Am I the only one who has lived a good portion of their life feeling like, any day now, I will get it right and, voila'- the life I was meant to have, will start to happen?

I certainly felt that way for most of my charade of a marriage. I started out youthful and hopeful and trusting, truly believing that my husband would provide and protect and appreciate us. In my youth and optimism and inexperience I didn't immediately realize the truth- that I had picked someone who was profoundly emotionally damaged, and just, literally, incapable of a relationship. I continued making excuses and rationalizing and hiding things from my friends and family for close to twenty years. All the while, waiting, waiting, waiting....

And now I have a man in my life who loves me the way I always hoped to be loved, and who would, I truly believe, do anything for me and my kids. Very Cute Boy is also a Very Good Man, y'all, as in, he would chew off his own arm before he'd raise a hand to me, he never raises his voice, he opens every door and is chivalrous and gentle and strong and sweet-natured. 

There's always a "but", right?

BUT. I still have that, I'm in limbo, this isn't my LIFE, waiting for something feeling.

What am I waiting FOR?

I know by now my life will never resemble the glossy perfection in the magazine photos on my coffee table. No TV show, movie, book, or even this blog will ever come close to a depiction of my life that is realistic. I don't think that's what I am waiting on. 

Inner peace?

Security?

What is it I am seeking, that has proven so elusive??