March 26, 2009

In which my post takes an unexpectedly snarky turn.

Suffering miserably from sinus congestion for the past few days, I gave up and took Benadryl and NyQuil at bedtime last night. And WHOO HOO!!!! SLEEP, people! 9 solid hours!!!!! I feel amazing. If I always felt this good I would be single mom extraordinaire. Interview Angel Rockstar. I would take over the world, I tell ya! 

Probably you don't have to worry about my capacity for Total World Domination. I won't be covertly guzzing cold medicine out of a paper bag or cruising the aisles at Walgreens looking for my next hit. That wouldn't be responsible, damnit.

 Anywho. In other news- I may be teaching a class on Fridays for IA through the County. Am oddly excited about the opportunity. 

Have realized my computer skills are not as sucky as I previously imagined. Edging towards delusions of competence actually. Go, me :) 

(Insert clever segue here).....So. y'all may have noticed that in the interest of protecting Very Cute Boy's privacy I don't talk about him too much on the 'net. He has to be incredibly cautious about protecting himself from Jackass. (JA rides by VCB's house regularly and still interrogates the kids about him. If there was a chink in the armor JA would toss a grenade in about two seconds.) Its been pointed out to me that dating someone that didn't used to be Jackass' best friend, someone he, say, didn't know at all, would be a LOT easier. My response? Well! Thank you, Captain Obvious!

 For example if I was dating someone else, I might actually get to see them once in a while. Whoever it was, wouldn't be wearing the same jumbo sized flashing target on his back. Also, VCB's target would probably shrink but not disappear. My brother might actually deign to speak to my partner. My family and friends might invite us over and include us in their parties. Yeah I am talking to you, Nicole, and you, Susan, and especially you, Doug. What makes this especially sucktacular is how warm and loving and sweetly supportive VCB's Very Cute Family has been to me and even my kids. You know how they say  everything is relative? Well, relative to the way my family and friends have reacted to the situation, HIS family and friends have practically thrown us a huge parade, taken out a billboard proclaiming their joy,and adopted me. Which makes it suck harder to go to my family's events, unaccompanied. VCB seems to have nearly boundless patience with it. Me- um, no. Not so much. 

 Everyone asks me, is this worth it? Am I SURE? Well there are no guarantees for anyone. But what I know for sure is the VCB still makes me happy. He makes me whole. We belong together. I can't explain how I feel with him. (God knows, I have TRIED to define it.) He is my only peace, my safe place, my comfort, my joy. I trust him with my life. I need him like oxygen. Its not perfect, no. We are very very different on some levels. We both have " issues". We are both stubborn and smart and have ridiculously high expectations. We have different opinions on a lot of things. But. I have been in a crappy relationship and I have enough experience to know what this is. He is mine and I am his. The kids and I would NEVER have survived the past year with out him. He has done literally everything including giving us the shirt off his back to keep us safe, healthy, happy, and comfortable. And he has waded into this war and fought right beside me and propped me up over and over again, at great personal cost, even when I was being a total bitch. All those times I DIDN'T call one of you bawling? Were because he was talking me down off the ledge. (You're welcome!) In short, VCB doesn't have to be here, but he is. And in this I am blessed. Giving up for the "easier" option has never been my style. Its one of my (many) character flaws. Besides. There would be nothing "easy" for me about losing him. He is my heart. 

For a majority of my life I have abdicated control over my choices. I am a grown woman, not a kid. I shouldn't have to pick who I am with based on who is acceptable to someone I don't respect. Or even someone I do respect. Like my brother. Or certain other people who have made no secret of their feelings about me dating my ex's former friend. Did it occur to any of you that possibly *I* had something to do with our relationship? That VCB didn't just single handedly break the stupid "man code" and abscond with my poor helpless little vulnerable heart all on his own? Do you think that Jackass is some kind of model of human perfection whose feelings should be protected at all costs? Have any of you been paying attention at ALL?? And also, have you given any thought to the fact that this really isn't about YOU, and that by shutting me out of your lives this way, you have made a really crappy time in my life even MORE difficult?

I am going to let this follow the course we set for ourselves. And those folks who don't acknowledge or include VCB, who don't respect and support our relationship, here's your choice- take it or leave it. I refuse to apologize for doing what makes me happy. We are just a man and a woman doing our best under really shitty circumstances. You are married or seeing who YOU chose. I may or may not like your mate, but you will never, ever know that. I haven't, don't, and won't ever comment on their shortcomings or your differences or your challenges. I accept and support you and your decisions for your life. VCB and I being together doesn't hurt any of you. Until you can see that, and accept it, and make an effort to support us, I simply won't be going out of my way to call, or see, you again. I love you, and I will miss you, but I'm not going to hurt the man who loves me, for you. There are plenty of people that do support us that I can hang around with.

Romeo and Juliet, and gay couples everywhere, you have my sympathy.